Shopping Survival Tips

My first column, as those of you who have read me from the very beginning know, was not funny - at least not terribly so. It was, in fact, a yawn-inducing list of Christmas shopping tips. But hey, the editor liked it, and if it hadn't been for the fact that said page of pointers was printed, you might not be reading this right now.

This is a week of honor- ing tradition. This is the last column you're going to read before Black Friday hits. So I thought I'd honor tradition - AND give my loyal readers a little help with their holiday shopping - in one fell swoop with this updated list of holiday gifting/ shopping rush survival tips:

- Dollar store perfume: Bad idea.

- Dollar store cologne: Worse idea.

- If you know any high school upperclassmen who are heading off to college, consider giving them something practical for their dorm. (This bullet point was made possible by a generous contribu- tion from Emma's Older Cousins, LLC., which humbly suggests robotic vacuum cleaners and aro- matherapy foot spas.)

- If you find yourself pur- chasing clothing to give an adolescent male, stop! Get a grip on yourself, splash some cold water on your face, wham your head against the wall, whatever it takes to pop you back into reality. Then head im- mediately to the electron- ics aisle.

- If, on the other hand, you are a sister and find your- self in the electronics aisle shopping for tech toys for your adolescent brother, stop! Follow the above re- ality-inducing procedure, exit whatever store you may be in, catch a bus to the nearest Value Village, and buy the ugliest Christ- mas sweater you can find. It's two gifts in one - he gets a sweater, and Aunt Myrtle's socks seem oh so much more trendy!

- Black Friday - bad idea.

- But if you are compelled, either by a pressing desire to save money or the insistence of a family member, to participate, be prepared. Bring along reusable shopping bags

(because those flimsy plastic ones just don't hold up), granola bars (by the time the restaurants start serving lunch, it will have been eight hours since you ate breakfast), several sig- nal flares (in case you get separated from the group), and a stun gun (quickly and objectively resolves cutting-in-line disputes.)

- The crowds will be thick inside all the big stores. Whatever you do, don't let your arms get trapped at your sides, which might allow you to be crushed by the crowd. Keep your elbows out at all times to create physical space be- tween you and members of the crowd. (If your arms are weighed down with bags, consider investing in a bottle of dollar-store cologne, which should produce the same spacecreating effect.)

- Before you go to bed on the night before Thanks- giving, leave something nice on your doorstep for your Union-Bulletin paper carrier. (When you get the paper in the morning, you'll understand.)

- And when you're done flipping through all those Black Friday ad circulars you got, consider recy- cling them into wrapping paper. (Just make sure that your wrapping paper doesn't reveal that you only paid $9.95 for the gift it contains.)