SAT-itis!

(This is a public service announce­ment courtesy of the West Seventh Street In­stitute for Juvenile Health.)

Cold and flu season is almost over, but parents of high-school juniors in the greater Waitsburg area shouldn't let their guards down just yet. A crippling new disease is ravaging the normally vivacious and hardy Class of 2015, a dis­ease which knows no treat­ment and can beleaguer its victims for months before symptoms grind to a halt.

The cause of this dread condition, if not the cure, is widely known - the Scho­lastic Aptitude Test. The exam in itself does not pose a major health risk, but the stress that often precedes it can lead to an acute condi­tion marked by obsessive preparation, the compulsive taking of practice tests, and nightmares about multiple- choice bubbles.

Its name: SAT-itis.

Especially at risk are members of the following groups: Overachievers, col­lege admissions worrywarts, those who juuuuuust missed out on a reeeeaaaaaaally good PSAT score, those with the preexisting condi­tion known as "something to prove", and those who would like a nice definate number to compare to that of a detested older sibling. But make no mistake - SAT-itis can affect any junior.

Symptoms are initially mild. The afflicted may spend time completing prac­tice questions on the Internet or mumbling something about checking his or her PSAT scores. For the vast majority of victims, the disease does not progress beyond these. However, for an unfortunate few, this is only the beginning of a long, dark road.

Soon after, the seriously afflicted student will begin making purchases. The first of these will most likely be a three-inch-thick study guide, followed by a vocabulary booklet, then a large crate of flashcards. At this point, many parents congratulate themselves on having raised studious, self-motivated off­spring. They will later regret having done so.

The victim's condition will remain stagnant until roughly the beginning of April. They will use what seem to be responsible study habits, picking through a few pages a day in their enormous book and making a few vocabulary flashcards now and then. As spring ar­rives, many will gradually let these habits slip in favor of enjoying the season.

In April, victims will be­gin to panic. They will real­ize that, for all their endeav­ors, they are less than half an inch into their hulking study reference, and their vocabu­lary is only through the Cs.

Thus begins a downward spiral that may last up to six weeks. Afflicted persons will start doubling or tripling their rates of study. Family members will notice flash­cards scattered throughout the house, and additional study guides may find their way onto the living room bookshelves. As the date of the test draws nearer, sleep will be lost, and homework will be neglected in favor of studying. In extreme cases, the victim will spend large amounts of time picking apart bell curves and aver­ages in order to predict their performance.

This condition will go away on its own following the date the test is actually given. The flashcards, on the other hand, might take a while to evict from the house.