How to Take the SATs

You wanna know what the world’s biggest rip-off is?

Paying $51 for a twopage PDF, four hours’ rent on a rickety plastic chair, a booklet full of math questions I don’t particularly want to answer, and the privilege of attending school on a Saturday.

Well, then again, nothing about the SAT makes much sense.

Or, at least, it didn’t make much sense until I found a handy little book called “The Ultimate Guide to Not Failing Standardized Tests”. It was only $1.99 – can you believe it? Anyway, now I’m fully prepared, and I would love to share some of the golden study tips I’ve gleaned with my loyal readers.

• The people supervising the tests are called proctors. “Proctor” comes from the Greek word “proct” (“easily”) and the Latin “er” (roughly, “bribable”)

• 47% of all people who grade essay questions are easily bored and can’t tell the difference between a well-laid-out essay and a presumptuously longwinded one. Make your first paragraph a huge quote from someone who died at least fifty years ago. Use your remaining paper to write down any remaining thoughts you may have concerning this topic. If you have space left over, draw a kitten. Graders like kittens.

• Nobody likes math questions. If you ignore them, they will probably go away.

• Multiple-choice questions are tricky, and most tests are full of safeguards to ensure that you don’t copy off your neighbor. If you just don’t know the answer, guess. Failing that, draw a kitten on your gridin sheet. Grid-scanning machines like kittens.

• If you want to pass the SAT, try the following can’t-fail solution – shred up one of your term papers, wrap the pieces in cheesecloth, and dunk the bundle in hot water. Give the water to a friend. Congratulations! You have just passed the essay tea.

• “The night before the test, make sure to get plenty of sleep.” Everybody says that, but they’re wrong. Seriously, what do those ninnies think the “Writing Skills” section is for? I mean, seriously, why didn’t I think of any of this? The book also has a handy little section in the back about college admissions. It reveals a handy hint all college-bound students need to know – The Password. By law, every college is required to have a password. If anyone calls their admissions officer and says that college’s password, they will automatically be accepted with a full-ride scholarship.

It’s not always that simple, however. At Harvard University, at the time of the book’s publication, the password was the Old Yoruba word for “aneurism” and slated to change in six days. By contrast, the password at Southeast Milwaukee Community College has been “Password” since 1981. WSU’s is currently “Howdy, Banana Breath!”

Seriously, I’m not sure where I’d be without that book. I hear they’re writing a sequel: “The Ultimate Guide To Your Senior Year: Be the Valedictorian or No Money Back!”