A Column About Nothing

A few years ago I started a small monthly newspaper that was published for five years, and then abruptly stopped. I stayed on in the newspaper business though, and now I'm the owner and publisher of this one. (It's lasted about 130 years longer than the other one did.)

People often tell me that one of their favorite parts of that other paper was a little bit of nonsense that usually showed up near the end of each issue. Even though that newspaper specialized in local news (so does this one), the stuff in that column was rarely local and never news. It had nothing to do with anything important, but it always tried to bring to light some unusual things that readers might find interesting, and hopefully amusing.

In the last few weeks, during random surfing of the internet, I've run across a few new odd but very unimportant pieces of information. So, in the spirit of that old column, I'm passing them on: The new land speed record for lawnmowers is 116.57 MPH. No kidding. It was set recently in Spain by a Honda riding mower with a special 1,000 cc racing motorcycle engine. And by the way, in order to claim the record, it had to actually cut grass, which it does.

Having a mower like that would be a great way to free up some time on the weekends, I think. The downside is that you'd probably need to wear a helmet when you mowed your lawn. And you might set your lawn on fire.

You're probably thinking that that lawnmower could outrace anybody on a bicycle, aren't you? Well, you're wrong, sport. In 1995, a Dutchman named Fred Rompelberg rode his bicycle - powered only by his legs - behind a dragster on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. The dragster blocked the wind and the bike had a really big gear. Result? 167.044 mph! That's not a typo.

I rode down the Middle Waitsburg hill once at a little under 50, and I was terrified.

It will soon be legal to commit adultery in New Hampshire. According to The Economist magazine, that state's legislature has decided that the 223-yearold law outlawing marital infidelity there is out of touch with reality. The magazine says there are still about 20 states in the U.S. in which adultery is illegal, a fact that surprised me.

It's a good thing those laws aren't enforced, because if they were, there probably wouldn't be enough people left to run the jails.

Speaking of romance, I heard a song last week by a band called Old Crow Medicine Show. The song is called "Down Home Girl." It's a love song, and it includes this line:

Every time I kiss you girl,

it tastes like pork and beans.

After hearing this song, it occurred to me that there might be better ways to curb adultery than passing laws. If you don't trust your gal to be true, you might consider feeding her somehellip;well, you know.

A new building code soon to go into effect in Vancouver B.C. will make doorknobs illegal on all new buildings, including homes. This is from another Economist article. (And you probably thought it was a snooty, boring magazine. It's not.)

"The war on doorknobs is part of a broader campaign to make buildings more accessible to the elderly and disabled, many of whom find levered doorhandles easier to operate," the article says.

There's a problem though, as the article points out a couple of paragraphs later: "True, elderly and disabled people find it easier to operate doors with handles. But so do bears."

Yes, they have bears in B.C., and bears have a lot more difficulty with round knobs than with levers.

So the concern with this law is not just about government intrusion, but also the four-legged kind.

It's illegal to sing in the bathtub in Pennsylvania.

Too bad. That's probably another good way to keep away bears.