I’m Photo-Phobic

Dear Editor,

I am writing to protest the shooting of candid photographs of local citizenry by the Times staff. A photo of me appeared in this week's issue and it has become an uncomfortable issue, indeed.

The local heathen had, at some time past, issued an informal decree that whenever someone's picture appeared in the local paper, that person was required to furnish a dozen maple bars to the Waitsburg Hardware store. Obviously, this was intended as a form of punishment for having had one's picture in the paper. However, I am not responsible for the fact that my picture appeared in the paper. I am a victim of secretive behavior on the part of the Times staff, and I will not accept personal responsibility for this.

Furthermore, I don't like pictures of myself as I am reminded whenever one appears that I am irrevocably bald and not that good looking to boot. So I suffer the ignominy of seeing my image shamelessly published abroad, then I suffer the personal cost of providing food of questionable nutritional value to the local heathen.

Please see to it that this no longer occurs, or I shall have to take some sort of vague legal action, up to and including the formation of a competing newspaper in Waitsburg where I can take pictures of others who will then be obligated to keep the local heathen (including me) in pastry on a regular basis.

Kind regards, Michael Ferrians Pastor, Christian Church of Waitsburg

[Editor's note: Out of respect for the privacy of shy and reclusive local citizens such as Rev. Ferrians, The Times is introducing a new program by which, for the small sum of $10 per week (not much more than the cost of a dozen maple bars) we will see to it that their photo appears nowhere on these pages that week. If Mr. Ferrians, however, declines our extortion attempt, we will have no choice but to make sure his picture does, in fact, show up in the paper each week. Paparazzi lurk, even in Waitsburg.]