Emma Philbrook: STUDENT LIFE

And now, presenting some valuable insight into the human psyche: The Nine Steps of the Grieving Process!

Step One: Denial.

“Wait. So let me hear that again. An elite prep school who edged us out by a few points last year is coming to compete with us at Knowledge Bowl Regionals because they are the only team of their size in their area. And they’re not bringing their berth with them? And at the same time, one of our two berths is getting taken away? So only one team out of four gets to go to State, and odds are it won’t be us?” (Pause.) “I don’t get it. Would you mind running that by me one more time?”

Step Two: Anger.

“All right, Karma, what did we do to deserve this? Did our bus cut somebody off on the way to the Tri-Cities meet? Were we discourteous competitors at any point this year? Have I been cruel to the freshmen? No! No! And no! (Well, there was that one time, but I believe that there’s a karma waiver available for acts performed on little siblings. And he was totally asking for that noogie.) So why do you punish us so?”

Step Three: Bargaining.

“Hey there, have I reached Educational Service District 123? No, I don’t really need anything, I was just calling to see if you’d be interested in some homemade cookies. Not really? Are you sure? They won a ribbon at the fair. Oh, sure! How many dozen? Got it. I’ll see if I can squeeze that in this week. I’m too busy cram-studying for the SE Washington 2B Knowledge Bowl Regional Competition in Waitsburg, Washington. Did you know that they put an elite prep school in competition with three local schools and then took away one of the berths we were going to compete for? It really is a shame. You don’t happen to work in the department in charge of that, do you?...Do you?...Hello?”

Step Four: Intense Grief.

(Author’s Note: This paragraph was to consist of a “w”, several lines of “a”s, and an “h” at the end, possibly followed by one or more exclamation points. It has been omitted in the interest of space. Thank you for understanding.)

Step Five: Grudging Acceptance.

“Ah well. We’ve placed at State three years in a row. I suppose we’ve had a pretty good run of it. That’ll teach the coach to book the hotel rooms early. And it really could be worse. That tiebreaker last year…” (Long shudder.)

Step Six: Surprise!

“What? You mean that that elite prep school is in the 1B league? We’re not playing them at all? I can relax? WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Step Seven: Denial.

“That can’t be right. Did I do all that stressing for nothing? Yes, I know that’s the official Educational Service District letterhead, but are you absolutely sure they’re 1B?”

Step Eight: Anger.

“All right, Karma, why on earth did you put us through that much stress? Did our bus cut somebody off on the way to the Tri-Cities meet? Were we bad sports? Why???”

Step Nine: Preheat oven to 350 degrees and regret doing Step Three.