Co-Valid-Ick-Tori-An

I was recently informed that I am something called a “co-valedictorian.” This confuses me on multiple levels.

Take the word itself. That’s seven syllables, my friends. SEVEN. It’s like one of those Knowledge Bowl questions where they give you a complicated Latin word and you’re supposed to decipher it based on your knowledge of smaller Latin words.

So here goes nothing:

Co = Company.

Valid = Authentic and useable, as with a coupon or passport.

Ick = An interjection expressing disgust

Tori = A Colonist who supported the British during the Revolutionary War.

An = An indefinite article.

So that makes me an Anglophilic company with all its papers in order which produces an unsavory product while using indefinite articles on a frequent basis.

Yeah, that’s not helping much.

Whatever a “co-valedictorian” is, it is apparently supposed to write a speech for the graduation ceremony on June 5. So far, I’ve been pretty short on ideas. I did write a rather eloquent five-page toast to the virtues of the single-bar Knowledge Bowl buzzer, but the short-sighted commencement committee vetoed it, as it has “nothing to do with graduation, Waitsburg High School, or the Class of 2015.” As far as I’m concerned, that’s a matter of opinion.

Maybe I could shake things up a bit. Speeches are passé – why, people have been speaking for as long as they’ve been talking! How about a nice co-valedictorian tap dance? A few card tricks? Chainsaw juggling?

No, no, and no. The committee deemed that tap dancing was dangerous – “The podium isn’t very sturdy, and you would probably fall off.” Card tricks are apparently illegal – “When you pick a card, it could be construed as gambling, and we’d need a license for that.” And the juggling? “Chainsaws are orange and silver, and those aren’t our school colors.”

I should probably mention that this commencement committee exists only inside my head. It’s nice to have a self-censor, especially for those ideas like reciting the Gettysburg Address in a bad Italian accent and trying to pass it off as motivational.

Being an Anglophilic company with all its papers in order which produces an unsavory product while using indefinite articles on a frequent basis is no simple feat. It takes blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and tons of column space. It isn’t always fun.

But I think we can all learn a terrific lesson from my difficulties here, folks:

Four-a score-a and-a seven-a years a-go-a, our-a fore-a fathers-a brought-a forth-a ponna thisa continenta (dramatic deep breath) A NEW-A-NAY-A-SHUN! A-conceived-a-in-a-lib-a-r-a-tee-a! (hand clapped to heart) And-a-ded-a-i-a-cay-a-ted-a to-a the-a PRO-A-PO-A-SI-TI-O-NI that-a ALL-A MEN-A (thrusting arms out) ARE-A CREATED-A-E-A-QUALL-A-RO-NI-A!

And also, double-barred buzzers are against the spirit of the game.