Emma Philbrook: STUDENT LIFE

Roughly a week from now, your mailbox will start to fill up with graduation announcements from the high-school seniors in your life, which means that as you read this, some senior somewhere is busy licking envelopes and hunting down addresses. Depending on how much parental input is offered during the guest list formulation process, preparing invitations for mailing can be fairly time-consuming.

The following is a list of tips that I wrote up for my little brother on this topic. I’ve seen his room, and let’s just say that I’m not sure a skinny little piece of paper will survive there for three years, so I figure that publishing it and hoping that the article directly behind it is really interesting is my best bet for ensuring its survival. [It’s the weekly calendar which, three years from now, won’t be of much interest to anyone – Ed.]

Whoever designed these invitations had something against trees. There’s the actual invitation, a three-fold piece of cardstock, which is big enough on its own. But then there’s the little piece of paper with the graduate’s name on it that you insert in the little tabs on the third fold. And the senior picture that most people stick behind the little piece of paper. And the invitation to the super-awesome graduation bash you’ll be throwing. All that goes in an envelope on which you write the name you typically call the recipient by (i.e. “Twerp”), and that envelope goes in yet another envelope, which is addressed and states the formal name of the recipient (in the case of the previous example, “Ms. Emma Philbrook”). Multiplied by the ten gazillion people your parents thought should get an invitation, that’s a lot of paper, so be wary of renegade Loraxes.

All those layers will remind you a bit of Russian dolls. Any attempt to use my Russian doll collection for reference (or, for that matter, any attempt to touch it) will result in me standing up on my chair as your diploma is presented and shrieking “Hey, everybody, that’s my little brother all grown up!” while pointing. So perhaps it might be wiser to find another metaphor.

Addressing the envelopes may sound like a simple, mindless task perfect to do while watching a movie. If this is your aim, do NOT make the same mistake I did and watch a good movie. Some of my envelopes got addressed upside-down during a chase scene.

Also, when addressing, do NOT watch a scary movie. This results in such creatively scripted return addresses as “P.O. BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! 3278, Waitsburg.”

You will need a lot of stamps – at least one “Forever” stamp for each envelope, plus several more for any international invitees. I recommend purchasing these in sheet form, where they’re all stuck to a rectangular piece of waxed paper, as opposed to in a really, really long strip from one of those dispensers in the post office. Remember: we have cats.

Using stickers as envelope seals adds an extra touch of class. Something vaguely graduation-themed would be best, but at least avoid dinosaurs and sharks.

And always remember that I’m proud of you, even if I don’t stand up on my chair and say it outright.