Emma Philbrook: STUDENT LIFE

I am in the process of writing my co-valedictorian’s address. This process is not going as smoothly as I would have hoped.

“Valedictorian” is taken from “Valedictory,” which is defined as “a farewell address.” In other words, academic stuff aside, the whole point of being a valedictorian is to deliver a speech at graduation.

This fact is not helping.

I know from experience that the opening line is the most crucial part of any speech. I won some very important elections at Girls’ State with bizarre opening lines. In one speech, I approached the podium, smiled awkwardly, looked up at the far left corner of the ceiling, and said, “Aren’t skyscrapers awesome?” This was followed by a complicated analogy involving skyscrapers, but it was the first bit that got their attention.

I call this technique “shock and awe,” and I thought it would be nice to use it in my speech. The results of this brainstorm were:

An operatic rendition of “The Impossible Dream” that culminated in my kneeling on the podium and doing “jazz hands,” and then a few paragraphs on the importance of chasing impossible dreams. (Not plausible due to fact that podium has a wobbly base and dislikes jazz hands.)

Scathing exposé of cheating scandals involving top-ranked members of class. (Not plausible due to fact that no top-ranked members of class are involved in cheating scandals. Would also probably get me killed at five-year reunion.)

“Hello, I’m Emma Philbrook. Knowledge Bowl’s the single most fun activity in the universe, but after all that buzzing, my hands ache like crazy. That’s why I only use DermaNerd® Therapeutic Cream. It saves your myelin and keeps you smilin’ even after hours of intense competition. (Vetoed by advisor even though the pitch money would have paid for my room and board the first year. Am having doubts about her commitment to my higher education.)

Hmm. So much for those.

I could always improvise. (Wait. No. NO. I take that back. I can’t. The rental term on the audience’s chairs will expire before I’m finished.)

I suppose I could read random excerpts from my current writing projects on the assumption that everybody dozes off during the speeches anyway. (Hello, my name is Emma Philbrook, and I’d like to thank you all for being here tonight and supporting our class. The machine whirred eerily, the only source of noise in the dark and thick-walled chamber. “Packing ties,” said the experienced-looking agent. “I hate packing ties.” Kira gave Parker a final kiss on the cheek and tiptoed towards the door. Kimiko dropped the box with a resounding clatter, which caused Mindy to look up from her row of beads and notice the two masked men in the room. Always follow your dreams, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.) Actually, this is a very bad idea. In fact, I’m mad at myself for even typing this one.

Plagiarism is starting to sound more and more like my best option.

On the other hand, though, aren’t skyscrapers awesome?