My Exotic Species Research

I’ve always loved studying environmental science for two basic reasons. One is the large amount of impressive vocabulary you pick up and can use in everyday contexts– e.g., “That’s eutrophication for ya!” and, “I sense the formation of a positive feedback cycle here”.

The second is how much of it applies to life and society in general. High school is an ecosystem, and it’s much easier to navigate when one thinks of it in terms of resource niches, apex predators, and keystone species, as opposed to attempting to reconcile it with the behavior of rational humans.

I have not yet entered college, but from what people tell me, the social ecosystem there is rather different from in high school, particularly because it contains several species with which I have had little experience:

The Freshman is the lowest form of life on a college campus. They strongly resemble humans, the main difference being that they lack navigational skills. They spend a good deal of their time in chrysalis-like structures known as “first-year dorms” which would make most insects claustrophobic. Upon exiting the first-year dorm, freshmen grow wings and fly immediately to the registration office to request a bit more lebensraum.

The Liberal Whackjob is a particularly dangerous species, according to the many people who warned me about attending college on the east coast and were very excited upon learning that I was heading to Whitman instead. Unfortunately, research on my part has revealed that there are actually two subspecies of this creature – the East Coast Liberal Whackjob and the West Coast Liberal Whackjob. These creatures are amphibious and dwell in saltwater, hence the higher population density in coastal areas. However, they also thrive on college campuses, particularly those of private colleges without religious affiliations. In other words, if they’re as scary as everybody says, I’m still in big trouble.

The Rowdy Frat Boy is an invasive species which preys upon girls without judo training. They are primarily nocturnal and can only be repelled by stun guns and/or lawyers.

The Roommate is a life form with which the Freshman has a symbiotic relationship. The two share a First-Year Dorm, borrow each other’s clothing, and study for upcoming exams together. The two cement their link in a rite known as “Registration”. Pairs typically last about a year and coexist well until the Roommate finds a romantic interest who unofficially moves into the First-Year Dorm, leaves Doritos crumbs on the Freshman’s bed, and otherwise encourages the Freshman to obtain a new Roommate.

The Nerdy Romantic Interest is the Bigfoot of the college ecosystem – there’s sketchy evidence pointing to the fact that one or more do exist, but little credible concrete proof. Nerdy Freshmen should avoid getting their hopes up.

The Mooch is a leechlike creature which feeds off the Freshman’s homework answers. Mooches spend much of their time attempting to convince Freshmen that their relationship is symbiotic rather than parasitic. Sadly, the Freshman has few means of deterring Mooches. Not even judo works.