Growing a Family

DAYTON-May is National Foster Care Month, a time to celebrate and appreciate foster parents, family members, volunteers, mentors, policymakers, child welfare professionals, and other members of the community who help children and youth in foster care find permanent homes and connections.

The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services has partnered with the Administration for Children & Families and the Children's Bureau to acknowledge the immense undertaking of safely caring for the needs of displaced youth.

This year's thematic emphasis is on Foster Care as a Support to Families, Not a Substitute for Parents. In general, the ideal situation is for a child to return to their family once any needs that might have been lacking are met, but fostering children is also the only way children in the system can find a permanent home.

Dayton residents Justin Jaech and Roger Tumbocon are proud parents to Justin, Isaac, and Nina, something Roger had previously considered infeasible.

"We've been together since 1985," shares Tumbocon, "in the nineties we would talk about it being nice to have children, but that was impossible. That was before marriage equality. I didn't even think that would ever happen."

The couple moved to Dayton from Hawaii in 2005 following Jaech's retirement from the Navy. Jaech studied wine in college so Walla Walla was on a shortlist of cities they considered. Tumbocon was a nurse at the VA on Hawaii, so anyplace with wine and a VA hospital would work.

In searching for real estate in Walla Walla, listings as far as Goldendale came up, but Dayton won because the kids and schools in the area were nice even despite the goal to have children seeming unattainable.

A friend suggested fostering, but initially they weren't interested. Wanting to make a more permanent connection, they feared growing attached to a child they would eventually have to return. Since adoption and fostering weren't viable options, Tumbocon and Jaech pursued other interests.

They opened the Manilla Bay Cafe in the back of the Village Shoppes and ran it for ten years. "After [the Village Shoppes] we moved to Ginny Butler's place," says Tumbocon.

As of Dec. 6, 2012 same-sex marriage was legally recognized in Washington state. Now, married, they were eligible to adopt, or so they thought. Alas, the agency said no that's not the way it works. You have to be a licensed foster parent in order to adopt.

So, the two began the process of growing a family. There is a tremendous amount of training, visitations and then hosting a child in your house for a year before a permanent placement can be considered.

"We have three kids now. Ages 14, 11, and 7," says Tumbocon. "They're our joy."

And they were worth the arduous process of attending adoption fairs, where children essentially sell themselves for a chance at a family.

"It's sad at these fairs. They pretend that they're there for a big party, but they know people are shopping for them. They're on their best behavior, they try their best so they can get out of the system. After I left, I felt bad for the kids that weren't picked.

The only reason we survived the whole process was because we had such good training from Walla Walla," Tumbocon continues. "Walla Walla is the best to place to start fostering. They were very supportive from day one all the way through the adoption and that's not true of all offices."

Their oldest, Justin, had a clear sense of their connection in their visitations.

"Roger was telling him how we always wanted to have a kid, how we always prayed about it and little Justin said, 'well I guess your prayers have been answered.' He turned out to be so easy that we were encouraged to get another one." And another.

In times when nurturing three kids' different needs becomes overwhelming, the family takes advantage of the counseling services available.

"They offer us counseling, not because we're problem parents but to check on us and see how we feel, how we cope, and it helps," Justin said.

"There's no negative about kids," says Tumbocon. "They're not perfect, but none of that is mentioned. It's all positive reinforcement. We save the negative for the counselor."

In this way, the kids also have an opportunity to assess the parenting styles that work best for them. Parents have someone professional, outside the family to relate and express themselves to.

What's the point of adopting a child if you cannot spend time with them, they wondered? So, they gave up the restaurant business to focus on the kids full time.

"We're lucky that we live in a nice community, that we have a lot of support from church, from the school, from the library and friends. Everybody showed up in the court when we adopted them. I am grateful for that," recalls Tumbocon.

Their story has a happy ending, but is a work in progress, as we all are.

In addition to National Foster Care Month, the Children's Bureau also supports two other special initiative months: National Child Abuse Prevention Month in April and National Adoption Month in November.

On Wed., May 29 the National Foster Care Month digital event kicks off at 1:30 p.m. eastern time (10:30 pacific). One family will share their journey from foster care to reunification with help from a supportive foster family.

Family members will share their experiences working together to build meaningful, enduring relationships. Associate Commissioner Jerry Milner will lead a panel discussion with the family and the County of San Diego Child Welfare Deputy Director.

Find a wealth of information on both of these initiatives and learn how to become a foster parent at: http://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth/