What's better than Butter Stonehenge?

I am convinced that about half the stuff on the Internet these days is lists of things to do in quarantine. Fifteen recipes to try, twenty home-repair projects you can do in a day, the one hundred and thirty plants you absolutely need to squeeze into your yard while you have the free time to plant them. I'm sure you've read at least a couple.

As a journalist, I will let you in on a secret about these lists: they are found at the very bottom of the idea barrel. Sure, there are some well-thought-out list-articles that are worth reading, but for every one of those there's a dozen or so that were cobbled together with a few Internet searches by somebody with zero knowledge of the topic. MSN in particular is teeming with them.

Given that my brain has hit a roadblock this week, I've decided to cop out and write a lazy, lousy list of my own. So here's "Ten Things to Do in Quarantine When You've Already Done Everything the Internet Said you Should."

Develop a conspiracy theory. Blindly put your finger on a random article in the newspaper, then turn to another page and select another article in the same way. There is a sinister connection between these two articles. Figure out what it is.

Learn a few foreign folk dances. Teach your family. Hula is good for beginners – after that, you can move on to Irish clogging and maybe even a few Balkan circle dances. It's good exercise, and the worst that can happen is that everybody leaves the room when the foreign folk music's on – instant privacy!

Make a list of all the places that you have ever hoped to travel to. Then figure out at least three things about each place that are absolutely horrible. Fun? Not necessarily, but it'll make a quiet summer at home seem more appealing.

Take bets on how long the stuff you planted will live.

Write a bad romance novel. Think of the lamest idea you've ever had for a story of any sort, reduce the IQs of the main characters by 30 points or so, crack open your thesaurus to avoid describing anything in a straightforward manner, and get typing.

This one's a particular favorite in my house – when you've run out of movies to watch, do dramatic readings of Supreme Court argument transcripts. It's civic education for the kiddos and will give the adults lots of ammunition for political smack talk once we can get close enough to talk smack again.

Make cookies but don't bake them. Freeze them and give them to the people you would like to give homemade cookies to but would not like to give the coronavirus to. These people can then bake the cookies on their own, killing any germs in the process. (Wait, did I accidentally get a helpful hint in there? Darn it!)

Invent a sport in which all the players must stand at least six feet apart at all times. Syndicate it. Make millions of dollars. Buy a bigger house in which to quarantine more comfortably.

Build the Seven Wonders of the World out of pantry items, take touristy pictures, and post them on social media.

Wash your hands again. (Hey, it can't hurt.)