Emma's escape-treasure sought, curse avoided?

You know what sounds great right now? Some nice escapist literature. You know what I'm not in the mood to do right now? Think up a nice escapist plot. This, then, is the story of an intrepid adventurer (and also her mother) on a quest through the plague-stricken wastes of Middle America to retrieve the long-lost Treasure of Apartment 1-B in time to avoid the Curse of the Lost Security Deposit.

Our quest begins at an obscenely early hour as our two heroes race down the darkened highways of Southeastern Washington towards Pasco Airport.

"Gadzooks!" exclaimed the intrepid adventurer. "We're being...