Mask ideas for the unwilling

So, you might ask, what have I been doing these past four weeks besides trying and failing to turn a two-day trip to South Bend into an unauthorized Indiana Jones sequel?

Nothing earth-shattering, I’m afraid. Some crochet, a few tentative excursions into town, an eye appointment, a decent amount of creative writing, and a lot of reading (mainly court filings). I started a remote job a couple weeks ago and am having way too much fun with it, but I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to tell you about it. Those neighbors of mine who heard me screaming “Darn it, Bennett’s a plurality opinion!” late at night about a week ago will have to make do without further context.

This was not the only late-night revelation I had last week. Among the others was that I had promised to put a thoughtful discussion of mask-wearing protocols in the fourth installment of my serial but ran out of space and had to make do with a semi-related quip instead. I had a balanced, informative piece on the topic planned for this week, but had to scrap that idea for two reasons: first, the Times published a balanced, informative piece on the topic last week, and second, masks are mandatory in public now anyway. (There’s a fine and everything.) So what now?

For those of you who have been on the mask train all along: Be gracious. You probably shouldn’t call the cops to report noncompliance with the new order unless there’s an active public safety hazard (i.e. the maskless maverick is a food-service worker and/or too close to elderly strangers and/or has a hacking cough). Instead, use your experience to recommend the most comfortable brands of face protection to your late-adopting friends.

For those of you with aesthetic objections to mask-wearing: Try sewing your own out of fabric of your choice—there are easy patterns out there. (And as long as you’re at the machine, whip yourself up some matching accessories—hair bows, neckties, shirts, cargo shorts…) If you’re stuck with a plain mask, glitz it up with a pin or brooch; alternatively, use fabric paint or iron-on transfers to decorate more permanently. If you have your job and/or life back at this point, there are plenty of mask options available online that won’t remind you of the dentist.

For those with oversized noses: try masks on before buying in bulk, sew a mockup to be sure a pattern will work for you, and be skeptical of one-size-fits-all directions. If you’re altering a pattern to fit, start by making it longer from ear to ear.

For those with principled objections to mandatory mask-wearing: Please conduct any civil disobedience responsibly, in places where strangers can move away from you if they’re uncomfortable. Be mindful of individuals that can’t move away, like cashiers, and try to maintain distance from them. A legally preferable alternative would be to wear a mask decorated in a way that reflects your displeasure with the new rule. Use your imagination. (Note: I advise strongly against violating the law and disclaim all liability for my readers’ imaginations.)

I’ll end with a couple of quick safety tips: A cloth mask won’t protect you from much of anything—the point of wearing one is to protect other people from yourself. Also, because a mask goes over your nose and mouth, right where the coronavirus likes to sneak in, you want to be darn sure that the inside of your mask is clean. Finally, and quite importantly, masks only work if they cover both your nose and mouth.