365 Days of Grief

Natsiree Puttavon isn't "put upon" by any means. Most who've met her during one of her gallery talks, might not ever imagine her mood as anything less than merry and light. As a docent who explains the finer details of fine art, her disposition is serene. Yet, bubbling under the surface is a bit of anguish and sorrow as Puttavon faces down the daily grief.

If you're someone who has experienced loss, you know. And if you haven't, know that you will at some point, loss and grief are inevitable. Having tools at hand like Puttavon's book, 365 Days of Grief, equips us for the fight against unending pain.

People say it takes time, but time only helps us forget temporarily. As life in quarantine stretches on into infinity, it seems everyone has one thing or another to grieve right now, so the book is timely.

In a virtual interview, Puttavon reveals some of the book's secrets.

BW: Thank you so much for joining us today, please tell us a bit about the book.

NP: "This is for anyone who has ever lost someone to a cruel twist of fate. Every chapter is a different stage of grief. Our protagonist, Newton the newt, will be alongside you for the duration of your journey. My hope for you is that you will also be able to find healing for yourself as Newton travels through the pages with you."

BW: First to be clear, please describe the book. 365 Days of Grief was self-published through Blurb. Is this an anthology of poetry, a linear tale, a short story? The title implies a daily inscription. Do you have an ISBN?

NP: "The notion of 'poetry' developed into this format I've molded it into. I'm not following any kind of specific set rules whenever I write. Some of my poems tell a narrative or a very short story; for instance, my "Ode to Eurydice" and "Blissful Ignorance" poems, but there are also a few poems that are merely a few sentences.

Simply put, I like to describe this book as a collective of words that I hope will evoke a specific emotion within the reader. A collection of poetry and prose is the best way to describe it.

And yes, I do have an ISBN that was issued to me through Blurb! However, due to the fact that I have four different covers, they all have different ISBNs. And for some reason, all of the various versions of the books (softcover, hardcover, etc) have different ISBNs as well, so I have quite a few ISBNs."

BW: The description of your book is instantly engaging, tell me a little about the cruel twists of fate that led you to grief. How did you overcome it?

NP: "Thank you! I wanted to create an engaging description that didn't initially give too much away. I can definitely go into more detail.

The first cruel twist of fate was that I knew something was going to happen to him. (Puttavon's boyfriend Conlan who was murdered. I felt it in my heart. Two weeks before he passed away, I had sent him a message on Facebook, begging for him to see me because I felt like something bad was going to happen.

He read the message and never responded back, two weeks from that last message I sent him was when I received a text that he had passed away. It just felt like a cruel twist of fate. There are a few poems in this book that explore that feeling more in depth.

Another cruel twist of fate that I'm still angry over is the fact that the police very quickly dismissed this case. They had attempted to find the murderer for maybe a few months before just letting this trail run entirely cold (despite video footage and confessions).

I guess what I truly mean by a cruel twist of fate is when life allows you to meet someone-even for a brief period of time, but something deep in your heart always knew that they'd be taken away. Either by circumstances, fate or otherwise.

How did I overcome it, you ask?

Well...I wrote a lot. I cried even more.

At first, I didn't handle it well at all.

But then after my tears started to dry and I had regained a bit of sanity, I decided to do something about all of my pain. I decided to transform it into something beautiful. I currently have two projects that are ongoing for him; this book and a memorial bench which I am hoping to have installed by the end of July."

BW: While every chapter is a different stage of grief, do you find that these stages are always experienced in a linear fashion? Or is this more of a "choose your own adventure" style book?

NP: "Oh no, not at all! I've found that grief is never linear; you're going to constantly cycle through all of these stages. And sometimes you'll even feel more than one at once. I definitely think that it's more suited to being a "choose your own adventure" style of book."

BW: I've never met Newton the newt, but I already love him. When and how did the two of you meet? Tell us a bit about your character development process. Are there illustrations?

NP: "I wanted to create a cute protagonist that I haven't ever seen before! So thus, Newton the Newt was born! Plus, I think his name is catchy, don't you think? I also wanted to specifically choose a newt due to their metamorphosis! I think that's also quite symbolic. (I know that butterflies would have been the natural mascot to exhibit this notion, but I'm not the biggest fan of bugs.)

I already had this vision of how I wanted him to look in my head, so I had worked together with my illustrator in order to get him to look exactly how I had envisioned."

The Illustrator's (Stephanie Patterson) Answer:

It's hard to say where exactly we met, it was more of a gradual fruition and changes through time that Newton became what he is now! I originally based him off of a specific newt, the Marbled Newt.

BW: Speaking of illustrations, tell us about your book cover artist, and what that imagery means to you.

NP: "Yes! Amanda Franz is my immensely talented cover artist. I'd seen her work before and I loved it. I asked her if she could recreate a version of one of her images she had already created. I gave her a few concept ideas along with some examples of fonts-and voila! It's like she took this idea directly from my head. It couldn't be more perfect. To me, this imagery means hope. A flower blooming also has a transformative quality, so I felt that was fitting for my book."

BW: If you feel so inclined, share a bit about your experience with the printing of the covers and your experience with the self-publishing process in general.

NP: "It was definitely a trial and error kind of situation. I think I had ordered three physical copies of my books before I finally figured out how to even resize the cover properly. Blurb also isn't a very intuitive program, so it was a bit difficult at times to use. Self-publishing is a labor of love. I've found myself having to do everything manually in terms of formatting of the book. Unfortunately, Blurb doesn't allow more than one person to use their program at once and the saved data does not transfer over. My illustrator and I learned that the hard way.

Every single aspect of the book were details that I had to physically make myself. Of course you still don't know how it'll all turn out until after it's printed and you've seen a physical copy. Luckily, I had a few absolutely wonderful friends (thank you, Stephanie for all of the late night Zoom book review dates) who helped me with reviewing and with making countless edits to it. This project wouldn't have been possible without them."

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In Review: It's hard to imagine enjoying a book on a subject as sad as grief and heartache, but I did. I really enjoyed it, through the tears, I found myself nodding with the ache of "YASS, I know that struggle!" Most especially applicable to those with unanswered questions, unresolved mysteries and those bitter endings with no closure.