The Grass is Greener…

At this year’s Pioneer Festival in Waitsburg, Lane Gwinn introduced me to Kari Isaacson. Lane mentioned that I write for “The Times,” and I added that I write what could be called an aspiring Erma Bombeck column. Kari immediately piped in with “The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank,” one of Erma Bombeck’s classic lines and the title of one of her many books.

The mention of septic tanks brought back teenage memories of living on Long Island, New York, in a 1953 Levitt house. Which, of course, had a septic tank. It seemed monthly that someone on the block had to have their tank emptied. The unmistakable odor indicated whose tank was the lucky winner that month.

The grass wasn’t green in our yard, not even over the tank. Neither of my parents had any interest in gardening. Occasionally, my father would dig out the old push mower from the garage. Luckily, we didn’t put any effort into the grass so there wasn’t much to mow, just a few green tufts popping up through a lawn of brown crabgrass.

Here in Waitsburg, we water, fertilize, and mow our lawn, and with the help of a lawn care service, it’s looking green and healthy without a septic tank.

On Long Island, we had a pear and a crab apple tree in our backyard and a Red Delicious apple tree in the front. The fruit they bore was just fluky because we did nothing to promote their growth, yet we had fruit.

On the other hand, Daniel has nurtured, coddled, and guarded the apple trees he planted in the front of the house. We have contraptions hanging to catch flies and bottles filled with a molasses solution to deter fruit flies, moths, and their worms from the fruit. We’ve not had one apple without wormholes.

At least we have had the apples; there hasn’t been one quince, pear, pluot, or apricot on the trees we planted in the backyard. Maybe we need to consider a septic tank? Although, with our luck, we’d probably still wind up with no fruit but more zucchini, cherry tomatoes, and weeds.

Today, I decided to check on the lemon cucumbers. I figured there might be one or two to add to the fridge. But there were almost twenty. From not having any cucumbers to having a seemingly endless supply as the weather cooled. Waitsburg gardening remains a mystery.

Another Erma Bombeck quote I can relate to is, “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Unlike my childhood lawn, Daniel and I aren’t worried about scaring off guests (or patients) since our garden remains prolific except for the fruit trees.

I’m headed to Florida this week, and Daniel will take charge of the garden. I imagine I will come home to basketball-sized spaghetti and acorn squash, tons of overripe and rotting tomatoes still on the vines, and overgrown and extremely seedy cucumbers. I can only hope he will mow, or the grass will not only be greener from our current raindrops but also be extremely tall.

Waitsburg dirt, or terroir to be fancy, seems to negate the need for a septic tank, thank goodness. I wonder how the fruit trees are doing in my old Long Island neighborhood now that it is connected to the city sewer system.